Why won’t anyone listen to me?

“Hey, I was talking!”

“ Let me finish what I was saying!”

“ Can I please speak?”

“ Stop interrupting me!”

“Ryan, we’re just having a conversation. We’re all talking. We hear you. Just wait a minute and you can say your piece. “

“But, you’re not listening to me!”

“Yes, we are!”

“No, you aren’t”

“You never listen to me!”

“Why won’t anyone listen to me?”

The above has been an ongoing issue for much of Ryan’s life. Sometimes it is actually true and other times it’s just a perception.

Imagine having a brain that is in constant upheaval. All kinds of thoughts, topics, ideas and feelings bouncing around all at the same time. You are in a group of people, friends or family having a good time, just hanging, having a conversation about some topic or other, and you are following along for awhile, sometimes interjecting, sometimes just listening and all of a sudden you just blurt out something that has literally nothing to do with the topic. Because, you know, your brain is no longer interested in the topic and another topic has taken its place in your brain and then out of your mouth it comes! The conversation stops and all eyes are on you. Then you are laughed at, or ignored, or looked at weirdly, or the conversation just picks up where it left off. If you’re lucky, someone will kindly tell you that you’re off topic, but more than likely they’ll say it meanly. Sometimes, people will roll their eyes, and add a demeaning smirk.

How about this? This situation happens over and over again during your childhood and young adulthood. And then people around you start ignoring you, so in order to be heard, you come up with ways to MAKE yourself heard. Sometimes by overblowing stories, sometimes by yelling, sometimes by arguing your point whether it’s right or wrong. And sometimes by making up stories just so someone, anyone, will listen to you. Which of course is never the best way to manage the situation.

Someone who has ADHD and auditory processing issues, like Ryan, has to manage this, all day, every day. Even if it’s not true that the person isn’t being listened to, the perception is there because of past, painful experiences. It becomes deeply rooted. It can be embarrassing. It can be devastating. Learning how to manage this by the person affected and those who are the affected family and friends is necessary in order to have a good relationship.

As a parent, being aware of your child’s sensitivity to not being listened to is a big first step. Being attentive, patient and taking a pause when you’re having a conversation with your child or in a larger family setting is important. Telling your ADHD kid, “I hear you”, is so very important. Telling them gently that their statement is off topic and that you can get back to that topic when you’re finished with the topic at hand is vital. And by the way, I’m preaching to myself here. I constantly need to be reminded. In the moment, it is so easy to get frustrated and embarrassed by the situation, that it’s so hard not to yell out and be exasperated. After 20 plus years, I’m still working on it!

On the other hand, helping your child find friends that accept them for who they are is vital. This is so difficult. Especially in a society where kids just want to be cool and not be friends with the “weirdos”. Finding friends who are compassionate, understanding and patient is key.

And how do you help the ADHDer manage themselves? They need to be taught gently that their brain is wired differently. That speaking their mind whenever and however they want isn’t always socially acceptable. Teaching them how to pause and think before they speak is an incredible skill to learn and practice.

The ADHDer and their family can work on these skills with a therapist who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as learning how to be a good self advocate and tell their friends and colleagues who they are and that they process things differently. In family situations, all involved should use their two ears and their one mouth. In other words, listen more and speak less. Again, pausing a moment before you speak can be one of the best tools you can use, whether you’re neurodivergent or not. This will allow each person to hopefully feel that they are being heard.

Feeling like he’s being heard will be a lifelong challenge for Ryan. And it will be a challenge for those of us who love him and call him our friend, son, brother, nephew and grandson. We are all becoming better human beings- more compassionate, patient and kind because of having someone like Ryan in our lives.

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would rather have talked”       –  Mark Twain