Being a Know-It-All

Recently, I was with a group of friends whom I love and adore.  As usual, our conversation was lively, informative,  and fun,  and a good time was had by all.  There was a lot of banter and many different opinions.  At one point, I sat back to listen and watch the show.  Trust me, it really was a show.  As I watched and listened to people agreeing and disagreeing, it dawned on me that everyone around the table was a Know-It-All, me included.  I’m sure some of us rubbed each other the wrong way and may have inwardly rolled our eyes.  I won’t go into specific details of what anyone specifically said or did, as I don’t want to throw anyone under the bus, again myself included. I try not to be living in the glass house throwing stones.  But, it dawned on me during this reflection that no one likes a Know-It-All.  This thought progressed to- what happens when a singular person stands out in a group as a Know-It-All.  And then-  what drives a person to be  Know-It-All?  And then I finally landed on, what can be done about it?

What has this got to do with ADHD?  Well, more than you think.  ADHDers often feel that they aren’t good at anything.  They often feel they have to prove to others that they are smart.  On top of this, many ADHDer’s are so interested in a particular subject or topic, that they learn everything they can possibly learn about it, and then want to share that information with anyone who will listen.  They become very excited about this topic and want to share it with the world, because,  why not?  Why wouldn’t anyone want to hear about your discovery? Even if they truly don’t have any interest in it?  From the ADHDer’s point of view, it’s showing their friend or family member that they know a lot about something which proves they’re not dumb or good at anything.  It makes them feel better about themselves and even helps them to feel worthy.

Adding to these feelings of inadequacies, an ADHDer might have a strong black and white opinion on something that they believe to be true.  This often will give them a sense of security in their thinking.  When faced with a differing opinion or “proof” that the ADHDer is wrong, the ADHDer may blow up and become belligerent and attempt to defend their position without being able to actually verbally explain or support  their position.  It can be devastating for them when challenged.  Their belief system which has given them security is now being usurped by something they simply either cannot or will not make sense to them. Imagine how that might feel.  

I was having a conversation with an ADHDer about her own struggles with being a Know-it-All.  No, it wasn’t me having a conversation with myself, although it could have been.  She was explaining that she feels smart and worthy when she learns a skill almost to perfection and then is able to teach someone else that skill.  But, she gets herself in trouble when she teaches the skill and the “student” doesn’t do something right and she then just takes over and does it for the student, pointing out all the things that the student was doing wrong.  She also struggles with watching others do something inadequately or in her opinion is wrong,  and she just jumps right in to tell them that they’re doing it all wrong, and then says  “here’s what you need to do to fix it”.  She doesn’t have the ability to stop and think before she just jumps in.  

Bottom line, an ADHDer who is a Know-It-All projects themselves like this to make them feel good about themselves. That they are worthy, that they are important, and that they are smart.  

Do you have someone in your life like this?  Or do you suspect that you  are a Know-It-All with or without ADHD?  Nobody really wants to be the obnoxious Know-It-All.  So what can you do about it?

If you suspect that you are a Know-It-All, and you don’t want to be like this, you might want to have a conversation with a coach or therapist.  At least have a conversation with the people who are most important to you and ask them if they see you as a Know-It-All.  Yes, it’s a conversation that can be difficult.  But it can be so valuable and improve your relationships.    Ask yourself why you might be like this, and ask yourself how you might find better ways to express yourself.  Using the power of the pause is a great tool to use.  Take a breath before you speak and ask yourself if this is the right place or time to tell someone about your “new discovery” or if it’s the right time to tell someone they’re doing something wrong, or just bowling in and taking over something another person is doing wrong. You might ask if the person wants help?  And if they say no, take a breath, say OK, and walk away.   Ask yourself how you would want to be treated in this situation.  Again, getting to the reasons behind your Know-It-All behavior may possibly need to be addressed with a therapist or coach to work through feelings of “not good enough”. Yes, I am aware that I  repeated myself  about getting outside help. I did that on purpose. 

If you have a Know-It-All in your life, and they are simply driving you crazy, think about how you can be  empathetic and use kind language when you address them.  Ask yourself what might be the reasons behind their behavior?  Don’t ignore them or shun them because they make you uncomfortable.  Communicate clearly and softly that you appreciate their sharing their ideas, thoughts and opinions, but at the same time gently tell them that even though they might be interested in the topic they’re sharing, that you simply don’t have as much enthusiasm about it that they do and don’t share their interest,  and then ask if you could talk about something else.  If they like to tell you how to do something that you clearly know how to do, tell them kindly that you know what you’re doing and will ask for help if you need it.

  If you are a parent of, a spouse of, or have a dear friend who is a Know-It-All, it might just help if you frequently tell them how much you care for and love them and how you respect and are in awe of their very special brain.  Tell them how impressed you are by the knowledge they possess.  Set aside some specific time for them to share their knowledge with you when you can just sit and listen. Before the conversation starts, set up your boundaries, explaining how much time you have and then when the time is up, gently end the conversation, and reiterate to your Know-It-All, how impressed you are by their knowledge.   

So next time you say “Ugh, he’s such a Know-It-All”, you might just stop for a second and reflect.

“Each of us know it all, and knows he know it all– the rest, to a man, are fools and eluded. One man knows there is a hell, the next one knows there isn’t; one man knows monarchy is best, the next one knows it isn’t; one man knows high tariff is right, the next man knows it isn’t; one man knows there are witches, the next one knows there aren’t; one sect knows its religionis the only true one. There are sixty-four thousand five hundred million sects that know it isn’t so.”

― Mark Twain, The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain