Self-Sabotage

You have all at the same time:

Registered for full-time coursework at college

You have taken a part-time job

You have joined numerous school clubs

You have made a commitment to working out five days a week

You go out with your friends multiple times a week.

You believe you can do this.  You are motivated.  Even if you have struggled in the past.  You even struggled last semester and weren’t successful, but this time, you’ve got it!  You’re going to do it!  It’s a lot, but hey, it’s a new year and you are excited!

Two to three weeks later:

You are behind in your classwork and have failed at least one test

You aren’t getting enough sleep

You are living on energy drinks

You aren’t working out

You’re still having fun with friends

You’re working your part-time job but struggling to get to work on time

You’re beginning to get concerned…..

Four to six weeks later:

You have had to drop a class or two because you simply aren’t getting to class, turning in papers, and/or have failed every test

You are procrastinating everything – doing classwork, cleaning your apartment, going to the market to get food.  Instead, you watch endless videos, or play video games and movies

You’re still living on energy drinks

You are staying up later and later

You are missing more and more classes because you need to sleep

You are no longer motivated

Six to eight weeks later:

You have dropped all of your classes

You may still have your job because you need money to survive

You feel horrible about yourself and wonder why you just can’t do the things you set out to do.  You think, “Everyone else seems to be able to do it so why can’t you? “ 

This happens all of the time with everything you set out to do.   You feel that you can’t be successful at all, since everything you do seems to fall apart and you quit, so why bother at all?

Self-loathing and shame has set in.  

You find yourself lying to everyone who asks how you are and what’s going on in your life.

The above scenario is about a college student who is self-sabotaging.  This may not be your scenario because you aren’t a college student, but you  see yourself in a similar scenario in your present life.

  According to Dictionary.com, self-sabotage is:

• “behavior or thoughts, especially of an involuntary or unconscious nature, that are harmful to one’s own interests or development.”

Self-sabotage can be a typical symptom of ADHD.  And it can become a vicious cycle.  Often, as stated above, it is unconscious and involuntary.  Often, someone may be self-sabotaging from an early age and when they become an adult, their life seems to come to a complete halt because of it.   The reasons for it are plenty and personal and possibly stem from feelings of failure and not being good enough, and even not being diagnosed with ADHD.  

When self-sabotage becomes a way of life, what can actually be done about it?  Here a few tips that can help.  

1.  Identify self-sabotage in yourself.  This is always a first step in getting help.  Accept that there is no shame in admitting your behavior.  

2. Get help.  Therapy will help root out the cause and help you face reasons for your behavior. Cognitive behavior therapy can be used to move forward and help prevent future self-sabotage.  Coaching can help you with tools to help prevent self-sabotage and find tools to help you succeed in future endeavors. 

3. If you have ADHD, learn to accept that your brain works differently and that you may need to lessen your “load” to be successful.   For instance, 16 credits/units in school may be too much for you.  Having a part-time job while carrying a full load in school may be too much.  When you plan your schedule, be honest and assess whether or not the amount of work you have set yourself up to do is something you can actually do.  If you have any doubts, remove something.   Pause and self-reflect when you say to yourself, “I should be able to do all of this.  My friends can do it all, so why aren’t I able to?”  Ask yourself, “Should I be able to do this? “  If your answer is no because you are neurodivergent, then accept yourself for who you are.    Take small steps towards your life goals – not everything all at once, so that overwhelm doesn’t kick you in the butt.  Having an  academic or ADHD coach can help you evaluate what will work better for you.

4. If you aren’t an adult and not in school, learn how to take things one step at a time and slow down.  Getting excited about working full time, taking on a home project, planning parties, working out five days a week, and beginning and learning a new art or craft?  Take a pause and ask yourself, “Is this too much?”  Take on one or two things, be successful with those two and then add another goal or activity. 

5. When someone asks you to do something for them or join a new group, instead of jumping in right away and saying yes, pause and don’t say yes right away.  Take time to think and tell the person you’ll get back to them.  It can be embarrassing when you say you’ll do something and then bail because you simply don’t have the bandwidth.  

6. Have a close friend or family member who can gently keep you in check.   

Are you finding yourself stuck and continuously going in a cycle of self-sabotage?  There is hope.  There is something you can do.  Take a breath and reach out to someone for help.  

“With courage, you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate and the wisdom to be humble.  Courage is the foundation of integrity.”

-Mark Twain