The struggles of a marriage

Notice that the title is not the struggles of a happy marriage, or a sad marriage. I just want to talk about the struggles of a marriage, and keeping a marriage together when it comes to raising a child with learning differences. By some of the information that I’ve read, divorce is nearly twice the rate in parents who have children with ADHD vs parents who have typical children. And quite honestly, I can see why.

Early on in Ryan’s childhood when we were in the middle of trying to figure out what was going on with him, I knew in my gut that his behavior was not normal. My husband was not quite on board with me and thought that he was just a boy and rambunctious. Between the ages of 2 and 3 is when I really started noticing things that didn’t sit well with me. I think as a mom I was more aware of these things. And I even started looking for things that weren’t right. As a dad, I think my husband was more like – wow I’ve got an active boy here! Yay!!! But there were other signs, such as Ryan’s inability to stop biting, his inability to sit still at all, his running over kids literally as if he couldn’t see them when he wanted something from across the room. And his insatiable wonderment about everything including the pulling of the fire alarm at preschool when he was 4.

I remember having innumerable conversations with my husband over those first 4 years about how something was not quite right and being told no, that everything was fine. But when Ryan finally was in another preschool and had the incident of swinging the PVC pipe and coming into contact with another child’s head – THAT was the defining moment. One of Ryan’s teacher’s sat down with both of us and laid everything out. He told us both what he thought was going on with Ryan and thought that we should get him tested. Once the testing was done, then there was pretty hard evidence to put in front of us. Fortunately, there was no more denial from my husband.

Many parents have this defining moment, and there is still denial on the side of one parent. They cannot come to terms with the idea that their child is different. I’ve talked to many parents over the years and this is what has caused the break in their marriage. One accepts and wants to get help, and the other doesn’t.

But accepting, is just the beginning of the road. Then you have decisions on treatment, therapy, what school to go to, what doctors to see, what kind of discipline…..how your marriage is going to survive.

Keeping a marriage together, keeping MY marriage together has been hard, hard work. Fortunately, my husband and I have mostly been on the same page in how we’ve raised Ryan. (I said mostly – we’ve had some doozies of fights over Ryan!) We have constantly had sit down meetings and chats. Sometimes many in a day. It has been a 24/7 job to keep our communication open. There have been times when we’ve yelled at each other over why we said something to Ryan or why we did something that the other doesn’t understand or agree with. We’ve cried together, laughed together and just been silent with each other. We’ve sat in therapy. We’ve prayed. We’ve walked. We’ve talked to our friends. You get the idea.

One of the things we that did early on, was to get away alone together 1-2 times a year for a weekend. We were fortunate enough to have our own parents be able to take the kids for weekends so that we could get away. Reconnecting alone and rediscovering why we loved each other let alone liked each other to begin with was important. Because we were so wrapped up in managing Ryan and our homelife, we so often forgot the other person. Sometimes we would go alone, sometimes we would go away with friends and at least once just stayed home alone. I am forever grateful for this gift from my in-laws and my mother.

I am one of the blessed ones who has a partner who is in this journey 100%. Even so, it’s a day by day struggle. Some days are great, and some days can be hell. But at least at the end of the day, we have each other to lean on. I have met many parents through the years who have had to go it alone after the other parent just checks out and won’t/can’t deal. It’s heartbreaking. I don’t know how they do it. Part of it is a heads down and push through life, I guess. I’ve always tried to be a real support to those parents, and do what I can to ease the burden. Usually I can only listen. Often it’s just a comfort to know that we are all in this together.

I’m going to end with words from a song from “Carousel”:

“You’ll Never Walk Alone”

When you walk through a storm Hold your head up high And don’t be afraid of the dark

At the end of a storm There’s a golden sky And the sweet silver song of a lark

Walk on through the wind Walk on through the rain Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on, walk on With hope in your heart And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk alone

Walk on, walk on With hope in your heart And you’ll never walk alone

You’ll never walk alone

There but for the grace of God………