The Mother Who Didn’t….

Didn’t what?  Didn’t love her children? No.   Didn’t care for her children? No. Didn’t send them to school warm enough?  No.   Didn’t overschedule her children’s time?  Wait…. That’s it!!!!  How many children do you know who have so many activities outside of school, that they have no down time?  How many children do you know have barely enough time to do their homework, let alone get enough sleep, and let alone have any extra time to spend time with their extended families?  How many families do you know have such a busy schedule, that if you want to get together with them, you have to make plans 3 months ahead of time, and even then, can’t really count on them until the week before?  Well, I’m the mother who didn’t.  I’m the mother who realized early on that Ryan wasn’t going to be able to participate in all the activities that many of his friends were a part of.  

This post is not about bashing parents or being judgmental.  It’s about knowing your kids.  It’s about accepting your children for who they are and knowing and acting on what’s best for your kids.  It’s about figuring out what’s truly important for your family.  And it’s about not bending to the will of other parents and society who say that the more a kid does, the better off they will be in the future.  

We live in Southern California.  The center of all things, all the time.  The too much, too many, over the top existence.  My husband and I were both born and raised here.  But let me tell you, life was not like this here when we were growing up.  Life was much simpler. The only activities we had were our religious institutions, maybe a sport and maybe musical instrument lessons, and that’s if our parents could afford it.   My husband and I had no idea what awaited us when we had kids.  We were at least fortunate enough to buy a house in a community where our kids would be able to attend public school,  but we had no idea that most of the other families in our area would be on the “all activities, all the time train’.  And that would be the norm.  And that if our kids weren’t in all of these activities, then they would be missing out on the standards expected for their classmates.  Not to mention that we just simply couldn’t afford it.  

We learned early on that Ryan was not the kid who could juggle too many activities at once.  HIs brain and body just couldn’t do it.  We tried and we learned the hard way.  It wasn’t easy to learn and we continued to add activities,   and then Ryan would come crashing down.  His behavior became worse than normal.  We had to fight with him to do anything.  He was exhausted all the time.  It’s a funny thing what we as parents do to our kids.  Our expectations, our wanting to make our kids into the best human beings they can be, is all about us, not them.  I even saw this behavior in many of my friends when Ryan was younger.

Example.  A friend of mine was complaining that her daughter wanted to be on a cheerleading squad because all of her friends were  doing it.  This girl, similar to Ryan in her learning differences, was already in numerous other activities with this same group of friends.  The mom believed that if she didn’t join in that she would lose out and become ostracized or “forgotten” by her friends.  (Not just the daughter’s friends, but my friend was also afraid that she’d be forgotten by the friends’ mothers.)  So who was this about?  Well, it was about her daughter and her.  I asked the mom how her daughter was doing, iIn school, in her home life, etc?.  Well, the girl was struggling in all aspects of her life. I asked her if this was the best thing for her?  And the answer was, “I just want her to be happy.”  And then she asked what I thought about it.  And it dawned on me.  We have to know and understand our kids.  We need to put our own expectations and wants and desires for our kids on the back burner.  We need to understand what’s best for THEM.  And we need to help them understand the importance of being healthy.  Yes, they may lose friends.  But the friends they keep will be friends whose parents are your friends who will care for and have compassion for your child and for you.  If they don’t have these qualities, they aren’t your friends.  Your number one priority is your child and your family.  

Just a short word on siblings.  This situation is made more difficult when there is more than one child.  Your other children may do fine with more activities.  It does become a bit of a conundrum. We all want to raise our children the same.  But it’s just not possible especially when you have a child who is not neurotypical.  It just adds another layer of difficult parenting.  You will definitely need to be open and honest with all of your children about why some siblings are allowed to do more activities than others.  They may not understand.  Just be loving and honest.  Believe me, I’ve been there.  

In a world where more is better, make the choice to do what’s best.  Yes, there may be lost opportunities, and you may look back with regret and say that you wish you had done something different. (Correction – you WILL look back and say you wish you had done some  things differently!)  I know that I do.  But when it comes to the choice of limiting Ryan’s activities, I wouldn’t change a thing.  No, he didn’t learn how to play an instrument, and no,  he didn’t learn how to play baseball or tennis, but the things he did learn were right for him and the right amount.  And some things he tried weren’t the right things, but we found that out soon enough.  

Know your child.  Your child may be able to handle a lot of activities just fine, or if your child has learning differences like Ryan,  chances are, they won’t. And that’s OK.   

Stay tuned for a post about finding the right activities for Ryan and our foray into the hits and misses.