The joy of family dinner time

Why oh why can we just not have a calm enjoyable dinner?

“Give me the plate!”

“ Where’s the salt?”

“I asked for that first!”

“Stop eating with your mouth open!”

“You’re smacking again!”

“That’s disgusting, stop belching at the table!”

“Stop arguing with your sister/brother/mom/dad!”

“Why are you so upset? It was just a joke!”

AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! The end of the day. Dinner should be a time when the family comes together, takes a breath, talks about their day and unwinds, and of course enjoy a delicious, well made meal. Well, it’s that unwinding part that so often gets in the way. After keeping it together all day whether at school or work, dinner time is the place to let all the angst out and let down your hair, because, you know, it’s family. Family will love you no matter what. You can say whatever you want. You can treat your family however you want, and they’ll still love you and accept you. And this is especially true if you have ADHD.

I can’t tell you how many of our family dinners have erupted in anger, frustration, misunderstanding and just plain horridness. This has been our norm for many years. We’re a family of quick wit and quick tongues. Many times we fail to take the pause. To think before we speak. To think about the possible ramifications of our words. And to stop and think about how and why Ryan is feeling and processing things at the moment.

You might think that all of these “bad” dinners would overshadow all of the wonderful meals that we have shared. You might think that maybe we should eat separately. Maybe you might say, “well, why don’t you just stop?

Let’s flip the table for a moment shall we? Every dinner that we have had together as a family has not been like this. When we have meals together where everything works beautifully, and we are laughing and enjoying each other’s company, we often remark to each other how memorable these times are. We aim to make more of these memories, instead of wallowing in the other dark memories. Good memories erase our bad ones. We grab hold and work at trying to have more of them instead of giving the other difficult experiences a place of importance in our memories. These wonderful meals make us want to have more.

Having the conversation with each other before we sit down about how we’re all feeling is important. Taking each other’s emotional temperature, or asking where each of us are is something we don’t do enough. I think this is especially important for Ryan. Has he had a frustrating day? Or a highly stressed day? Or is he relaxed? We all come to the table at the end of the day with our own stuff. And we all have our own expectations from ourselves and others. And I think it’s important to re-evaluate why it is that we come together and share a meal together.

Now that my children are adults and we all don’t live under the same roof, we don’t often share dinner times together. When we do though, I have gone into the meal just like I always have. And we revert back to the same old habits. It’s an odd phenomena. And I often think that because my children are now adults, that those precious habits will be gone. Afterall, they’re adults. Why should they still act the same way? But they do. It’s the same dynamic. Sometimes we devolve into the same arguments, of who is right and who is wrong, or someone says something that offends someone else. And we have to stop the conversation and smooth the feathers. But this doesn’t stop us from eating together. Because when we have a spectacular time together, it outweighs all of the bad times. And these are the ones that we are going to remember.

This past weekend, the four of us had one of those memorable meals. We laughed about stupid stuff. Someone made a bit of an off color joke, and like magic, we laughed so hard, trying not to spit out our food and just trying hard to keep breathing. In that moment, as what happens often, my husband just looked at me and I knew what he was thinking. THIS is what it’s all about.

I know we’re not the only family that have difficult family mealtimes. I know they’re frustrating. I know that you just want to give up. But don’t. Keep at it. Cherish and remember the times that are good. Be thankful and grateful for the family you have. Find ways to work through the awfulness. Those bright moments will come. And those bright moments are the ones to keep in your special memories in your heart.

“Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably, and never r