The Impossibility of a Clean Room

“Please clean your room.”

“It is clean”

“Uh, no it’s not. I see clothes on the floor and on your desk. I see books and toys on the floor. “

“Where?”

Most of us have had the above conversation with our children. And most of us have experienced this situation getting worse when our kids become teenagers. The threats of “if you don’t clean your room, you can’t go out, or you’re grounded, or – we’re having company over so you need to clean your room, or-fine, I’ll just shut the door. Or the best one – the cleaners are coming and if you don’t clean your room then your room won’t get cleaned. None of these threats or requests make any difference. So, imagine this scenario, with someone who has ADHD, who’s a teenager, or a young adult, or maybe an older adult. I’m sure many of you have your own scenarios to add to the above situations.

We don’t understand why someone would want to live in an ungodly mess. Many of us even ask ourselves why we ourselves continue to live in an ungodly mess. Even with the begging and pleading of “Please, clean your room!” It either never gets done or it only partially gets done.

One of my “favorite” scenarios” with Ryan, was he would start to clean and then get sidetracked with finding something, and stopping and playing with it. And then find something else like a book, and reading that. And then finding something else, leave his room with it, and play with it somewhere else in the house. No matter when he would start to clean his room, it would never get done in one sitting. Many times he would just go into his room, stare at it, and say, “I have no idea where to start.”

With an ADHD mind, a messy, busy bedroom  just mirrors the mind.  Lots of things going on, thoughts all over the place and very little order.  So if you ask this person to clean their room, their brain just can’t see what can or should be done, and what’s especially difficult is where to begin. It becomes so overwhelming .   Just expecting a non neurotypical kid to just clean his room, is an exercise in futility.

When we thought Ryan was old enough to clean his room by himself, it became very clear that he just wouldn’t be able to without direction. We broke down tasks into one at a time. We learned to use a saying from one of his educational therapists which was “First Things First”. Taking the most obvious, most important task, and doing that first. We’d walk in Ryan’s room with him, and ask him what he thought should be done first, and then he would do that. When he was done with that, then we would choose a second thing to do, and so on. Sometimes, if a lot needed to be done, we would give him frequent breaks for five or ten minutes, and then come back to the room and work on another task.

We learned though that Ryan’s bedroom would not stay clean for long, maybe a day or two at best. Clothes on the floor, books all over the place, legos strewn everywhere. We really have had to just learn to live with it. Until Ryan left for college, we asked him to clean his room once a week, and then just let the chips fall. His door was to remain closed if it was intolerable to the outside world, which of course was frequently. I have learned to accept that is just the way Ryan is. Maybe it will get better with age, and maybe not.

As I sit at my desk and write this, I look around and my desk is messy. I walk in my bedroom, and it is messy. I clean my bedroom a few times a week, and then it just goes back to being messy. My closet is messy and boy is my mind messy. At times, I get frustrated with myself at how messy I can be. Good grief, you’d think that by now in my life I’d be able to get this right. But sadly no. I have every intention of keeping things nice and neat. And I’m constantly trying to keep things in their place. But that is just not to be. I even still hear my own mother yelling at me to clean my room. This makes me feel ashamed. How can I possibly expect my child to keep a clean room, when I can’t keep my own room clean? I need to be a little kinder to myself and kinder to Ryan.

Realization dawns on me again that I have no doubt where Ryan gets his ADHD from. Yes, that would be from me. Oh boy, what a gift! Ryan and I share a bit of the wild goings on inside our brains! Woo hoo! For that I should be more understanding and patient with him and myself. It makes us who we are. Just don’t expect a clean room. That’s just impossible.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.”

– Mark Twain