Sometimes I Make Mistakes

Really? Me? It’s one of the hardest things to admit isn’t it? That you can make a mistake. We often even go to great lengths to blame others, or justify our actions or just simply refuse to acknowledge our errors.

I have often questioned myself about decisions that I made, or that my husband and I made when it came to Ryan, specifically in how we managed his ADHD or how we managed his behavior. It’s difficult when you come face to face with the questions of “Did I do the right thing?” Especially when the wrong action can have long lasting effects. This is not about bashing myself, but about self compassion and forgiveness.

Questions like: Did we do everything we could for Ryan when he was younger? Should we have continued speech therapy for him after he left public school? Should we have worked harder at social skills? Should we have worked harder at limiting video games? These are just a few as list can go on and on.

I still ask myself these questions, and so many more. I have lost sleep over many of them. I have worried about the long term effect of many of the decisions I made over the years. I am sure that some of the decisions I made, and still make, are mistakes. Either I will know right away that that decision was wrong, or I might question it over the long term if it was the best decision. And then I start to ruminate. And that is where the darkness lies, in that rumination. A never ending self doubt constantly going around and around in my head.

I will never know the extent of the possible mistakes that I have made and continue to make. And we all know the idea that we make decisions with the information that we have at the time. But I also think that it’s important to admit the mistake, to apologize to the one affected as well as forgiving ourselves and then moving on. As a parent who has a son who is neurodivergent, the mistakes will come. Sometimes with possibly devastating results and sometimes with results where you could be questioned by everyone in your life. The, “Why did you do that?” Or “Why did you decide that course of action?” The judgment from others can be very difficult to accept. You might tell yourself that it doesn’t matter what others think, but often deep inside, you do start to think about it and you ask yourself, “Did I make a mistake?” Taking time to self-reflect is important. At the same time, though, there comes a time to let it go.

I think it’s easier to forgive others than it is to forgive yourself. Especially when the mistakes you make can really affect your own child’s life. It’s hard enough for those of us with neurotypical kids when we make mistakes. But when you have a child with special needs the mistakes can be much more damaging. I’m learning that when I look in the mirror every evening, I can say to myself, “Melissa, I forgive you. You did your best today. Tomorrow is a new day, time to let it go.” Be kind to yourself and others. If you make a bad decision, let it go. Give it up. Give it to God. Move on.

Regret can either be an awful thing, and keep us stuck in the past, or it can be a positive influencer. It can move us towards becoming a better person. Do I have regret over some of the decisions I made and continue to make in regards to Ryan? You bet. Do I live with that regret? Well, I’m learning not to. Afterall, I can’t go back and change anything, can I? And some of those things I can’t even change now to make those decisions better. I can only go forward and live in the present. .

I know that I will make more mistakes. That is important to admit. And I am only human. However you get to making a decision, whether it’s through contemplation, prayer, or research, it is you and you alone that makes the decision with the best intentions. But, it’s how you live with that decision once it’s made. You may not know the ramifications of that decision until years later and realize that it was either a good one or a mistake. And then you will either learn how to let it go or let it reside in a dark place inside of you. Again, learn how to let it go. Take care of yourself, forgive yourself, and forge ahead.

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles – by the ears, by the heels, or any other way, so you can manage it; it’s the healthiest thing a body can do.”

–The American Claimant (1899)

Mark Twain