Siblings. Who needs ’em?

I am so blessed/cursed to have 3 siblings.  Ryan is so blessed/cursed to have a sister.  How often do we have  these two opposite feelings?  We argue, we fight, we make up (sort of), we wish we were only children, we wish we would get along better, we wish we could see them more often, or we wish we saw them less.  We don’t understand what makes them tick.  We don’t understand who they are, and we wonder if we were all raised by the same parents.    

I would hazard a guess that every single one of my friends who have siblings have a complicated relationship with them.   If you ask the question, “How is your sister?”  It can often come with a loaded sigh.  And then a story comes out.  Sometimes the stories are funny, sometimes the stories are heartbreakingly sad.  

Imagine for a moment what your life would be like without your brothers or sisters.  What would it look like?  I think you might initially say it would be such a relief and so much better.  But I also think that the longer you think about it, you will say that your life would be less full and you’d be missing a part of yourself. 

I am significantly younger than my siblings.  I am the youngest.  My next sibling in age to me is six years older and my oldest sibling is twelve years older.  I had a very different experience growing up than they did.  Sometimes I feel like I was raised as an only child.  I’ve had a very different life experience than they have had.  When we are apart, which is often, I don’t miss them too much.  There’s been tension over the years between all of us, there have been shakes of heads, and I can’t believe they did that comments.  There have been a few times when someone isn’t speaking to someone, although that is always short lived.  On the whole, we get along and consider each other friends, even with the age differences, and we deeply love earth other.

This past weekend my husband and I were able to have dinner with my oldest sister and my brother along with their spouses.  As we were talking about our lives and our children and their grandchildren, my brother and sister complimented me on the blog, how meaningful it was to them and how proud they were that I was putting Ryan’s and our family’s story out there for all to see.  In this instant, I realized how much their support  was important to me.  I knew they loved me.  Their validation of what I am doing is just about the most important validation I can get.  They’re in my corner!  I’m so grateful and honored.  It was such a WOW moment for me. And I realized that if my siblings are for me, then that is one of the best gifts ever.

Ryan and his sister have a complicated relationship.  (You have read about it a bit in previous postings)  I have no doubt they love each other, but they most often don’t really like each other.  Being the mother of these two has been a blessing but so challenging.  I want them to like each other and get along.  As much as I try to run interference and at times beg and plead for them to get along, I can’t make them.  Yes, it really cuts deep, but I have to learn to back off and let them figure it out.  It is their journey, just as I have had my own with my siblings.   There are moments of brilliance when we are all together and getting along.  These are bright rays of hope, that someday, they can each meet in the middle and realize just how much they really do need each other, and that each of them is each other’s champion.  That time and effort and maturity can have a way of opening up new avenues for them.  They both need each other.  Just like I need my siblings.  I hope that they know and realize that they have a built in support system.  That no matter who they are, what they do, or what they say, that the blood of family can always trump the water of friends.  (Don’t get me wrong, there are friends who become family as well, but that’s another story.)  

I am not so naïve though to know that there are sibling relationships  that are so badly damaged, that there is no chance of reconciliation.  But, for those relationships that can be saved, do the work.  Find your way back, get therapy if needed, reach out, figure it out.  One day you may actually need them.  Do it before it’s too late.  

Siblings, who needs ‘em?  I do.  Ryan and his sister do.  What about you?  I hope you do. 

“Siblings that say they never fight are most definitely hiding something.” – Lemony Snicket

“Siblings: children of the same parents, each of whom is perfectly normal until they get together.” – Sam Levenson