On the Road Again

This weekend I will have the opportunity to spend time with Ryan as the two of us drive home from college for his winter break. I have not had this opportunity to do this by myself. It’s either been my husband taking this trip or Ryan flying home. But this time, Ryan has a car and he isn’t ready nor comfortable enough to drive the 900 miles by himself.

Although I’m not all that excited about the drive itself, this time is a gift. There won’t be too many more of these kinds of opportunities to spend alone with my young adult son. Our conversations I’m sure will be quite interesting. I’m sure Ryan will want to talk about some things I find little to no interest in; things that he and his father bond over like sports or obscure rock band trivia. On the other hand, we will probably talk about the school quarter, his difficulties and his successes. We’ll listen to music that we both enjoy and experience the beauty of northern California as we drive south.

There are many things I want to talk to Ryan about. But the thing I need to remember is that he will probably verbally vomit all over me.. My job will be to listen. What some don’t know or understand about an ADHDer, is that they so often work extremely hard at keeping themselves together. And it’s extraordinarily exhausting. They have to work at keeping their emotions in check. They have to work hard at not saying whatever comes to their minds. They need to work extra hard at getting to appointments on time, to getting themselves out of bed on time, to getting assignments turned in on time. By the time a student like Ryan is finished with a school term, they are often ready to explode. That exploding is important. And they need a safe environment to do so without judgment. They need a shoulder and an ear. Sometimes it comes out all at once. Other times, it comes out in fits and bursts and may take weeks to get through. Sometimes the same subject needs to be talked about over and over again, so that it can be thoroughly processed. And for someone like Ryan who is a verbal processor, I need to have patience and not jump in. I need to be Ryan’s “safe harbor”.

Ryan and I will have two full days in the car. My intention is to fully enjoy the experience, practice kindness and patience, and be there for him. And when the time is right, we will move on to talk about his plans for winter and spring quarter and the excitement of things to come.

“Praise is well, compliment is well, but affection-that is the last and final and most precious reward that any man can win, whether by character or achievement.”

-Speech, 1907 Mark Twain