My stages of grief and loss

When we were going through the process of having Ryan tested, and then finally having him diagnosed, I spent a lot of time crying. I was so sad and angry. Sad, for Ryan, sad for me, sad for his dad and sad for his sister. Why him, why us? True, physically he was healthy. But at this moment, I realized that his life in many ways would be a struggle. Even, as I write this, I am crying.

Most of us know about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and her theory of the 5 stages of grief. It primarily focused on death and dying, and the stages, being denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Someone might think , “What does this have to do with raising a child with learning differences?”

During one of our visits with his developmental pediatrician, I mentioned how sad and angry I was. She pointed out that I was grieving. Grieving for the child that I thought I was going to have and didn’t. Grieving for Ryan himself. That he would struggle in just about every aspect of his life. Ryan was not going to be the “typical child”. Our doctor encouraged me, to allow myself to go through all of the stages. And let me tell you, that I have. I haven’t gone through them in order. I completely skipped denial. And I continue to go through them-all the time-every day. Some days are easy acceptance days- life is good, and easy. Other days, I try to bargain with God. (I happen to have a strong faith in God. Although there are days I can be very angry at Him). Some days, the very bad ones, I cry a lot and am very sad.

Allow yourself to feel these feelings, and know you aren’t the only one. It sure doesn’t mean you aren’t strong. It means you’re human. It means you haven’t given up. And I believe it makes you a better parent. And if you need to, find a therapist to talk to. It can be carthartic and therapeutic.