Making Friends

What makes a friend? What makes a friendship meaningful and last? Who are the special people in our lives that help make our lives better and help make our road easier?

Finding lasting, good relationships has been hard for our family and especially Ryan. You’ve probably seen the post about kids with special needs: “Kids with special needs are not weird or odd. They only want what everyone else wants…to be accepted.” Well, that seems all sweet and wonderful and true, but from real experience, it just doesn’t happen. The reality is, most kids with significant learning differences and ADHD CAN seem odd, or weird in a typical kid world. As much as we all try to make the world an accepting place, children aren’t accepted and included when they are different. So, for those of us who have children with significant differences, we have had to work diligently to find playmates for our kids who accept them for who they are. Add to that, once we find these children, then we have to find out if their parents are also accepting.

Many times, Ryan seemed to have found a friend, but the friendship would be short lived, due to the other child realizing that Ryan talked too much, or Ryan would have outbursts, or Ryan couldn’t keep up with a conversation, or Ryan would easily get upset. Truly, I wasn’t upset over the other child’s reaction. My heart broke for Ryan. We would spend time with families that we had become close to who had children around the same age as our children, but as the children got older, it became clear that they didn’t want to spend as much time with us.

I know that I am not alone here. This is the real world for us families that have children with LD. So- what to do? Well, we ended up having to give up the idea that Ryan would have friends who were typical. Which meant that he wouldn’t be able to “work” on skills needed for typical development with “normal” kids. Again, how sad is this that he wouldn’t be accepted for who he was, that he’d have to work on social skills with other socially awkward kids. Maybe not the best idea but where was the choice? I’m truly not looking for sympathy here. I’m trying to be honest about the reality. I’m quite done with people saying that they are accepting. Because if this were truly the case, then Ryan would have friends that are typical. Guess what? He has none that are. Because again, the reality is, no one who is typical wants to take the time to become friends with Ryan.

You might say now, oh how sad this post is. Yes, it is sad, But, this is what we as families with kids like Ryan go through on a daily basis. Fortunately, there has been a bright light at the end of the tunnel. When Ryan began school at Westmark in fourth grade, he began to find his people. Although most of the students there didn’t live close, we would do whatever it took to get Ryan and his friends together, sometimes driving over an hour to get him someplace. Playdates also gave us and the parents of these friends to spend time together and form our own support group. We bonded over our children’s difficulties and found ways to help each other.

In ninth grade, Ryan made friends with someone who would become the best friend anyone could ask for. Now that they are both in college, they only get to see each other a few times a year due to being in two separate states, and when home, over an hour away from each other. This past weekend they got to see each other after not seeing each other in a year due to school and COVID. It was incredible to see them together and hear them talk. Ryan’s friend is an incredible young man with his own difficult journey. But he, like Ryan, is incredibly resilient and strong. He and Ryan want the best for each other and are incredibly supportive. And we are doubly blessed by having Ryan’s friend’s parents in our lives, and we consider them great friends as well. They have become family. (You know who you are!!) I know that Ryan and his friend will be in each other’s lives for years to come. I’m thankful and grateful that Ryan has been able to find true lasting friendship through all of the ups and downs of relationships over the years.