Losing my “stuffing”

Losing control, losing my mind, losing my composure, losing my marbles.  There’s another term.  You know what it is.  But I don’t need to say it.  I heard the term “losing my stuffing” the other day.  I thought it was quite funny and very visual.  Kind of like a pillow exploding during a pillow fight comes to mind.  And accurate I’d say when you just explode with frustration and anger at your child.  It’s never a good scene.  Even if you feel justified, because, you know, you’re the parent.  And you’re allowed.  Right?  Well, that’s how you most often feel during the explosion and even afterwards.  Until you cool down and then many times, you feel awful.

I’m a very emotional person, as almost anyone in my life who knows me well will tell you. We all want to blame someone else for our traits. So, I’ll blame this one on my dad. Not my mom. She would blow every once in a while. But my dad – yikes. It didn’t take much for him to be set off. Because I’m more like my dad, I’ve needed to be more aware of my emotional state. I can’t use it as an excuse, but I have needed to become more sensitive to the building up of anger and frustration in myself.

There’s nothing more challenging for an overly emotional person, to have an overly emotional child who has ADHD. The crying and screaming of the ADHD child and the crying and screaming parent happening at the same time is something that I have experienced firsthand. Quite a few times. More times than I can count. More times than I hate to admit. And the one thing that I can tell you is that there is NEVER a good outcome when yelling and screaming and crying occur. Some people that I have known think it’s ok that they yell. That they’re justified because they’re the parent. I have even seen a bumper sticker that said,“Mommy yells because she cares!” That’s just plain ……………(Again, you know the phrase!) I think the only time that it’s completely justified is when your child is in danger – like not looking when crossing the street, or when they are going to hurt someone else

How often have you watched a sitcom where people are yelling at each other and it’s supposed to be funny? Someone is ranting at someone else. Calling each other names. We see ourselves on the screen and feel better that other people act like this. And they all end up getting over it and moving on. If only it were as simple as all of that. Because in real life, there is true damage that occurs. And the damage is lasting.

I put this square on my head. Afterall, I am THE adult, I am THE parent. I need to maintain control. I have said some things to Ryan that have been horrible. Some of those things I said in the heat of the moment were meant to shock him, to expose his weaknesses so that he would change, to show him how he hurt me, to make him “snap out of it”. Never, ever has that worked.

I have been working on not exploding for a long time. I have needed to learn cues and clues about when I’m starting to simmer. I have to bring awareness to catch the time between the fuse, the match and the flame and extend those times. I am still learning that I need to walk away and calm down before I open my mouth and say something that I will regret. I am learning that I need to find a safe place to get out all of that energy. I can scream into a pillow or take deep breaths, or go into another room like the bathroom and calm down. I’ve also learned that I can’t bottle it up, because later I’ll explode and the damage will be much greater. And I need to be a good role model for Ryan. That I can learn to control myself and that he can too.

I am not saying here that I shouldn’t feel frustration or anger. They’re valid emotions and neither good or bad. It’s what I do with them and how I manage them. And I have to take responsibility for the damage that I cause when I do yell and say things that I should never say. And if there are things that I still need to say, I need to step back, let the frustration and anger rum its course with noone around, evaluate what I need to say and temper it with love, care and compassion. As I write this, it’s a good reminder for me. The tools I’ve been given through therapy, studying and just plain, good advice from other family members are there. I just need to access them.

I think yelling in families is quite common. But it’s one of those things that we do behind closed doors and don’t talk about it with others. We put on a brave face and act like our families aren’t those families that yell. I hope that you take heart in knowing that if you or a family member are yellers, you aren’t alone and that you can get the help you need to make a change – for yourself and for your family relationships.

“When angry count four; when very angry, swear.”

– Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar

-Mark Twain