Living outside of the box

I remember watching Ryan as a toddler trying to fit a star shaped block into a square shaped hole in a shape sorting box. No matter how hard he tried to get it to fit and go in, it just wouldn’t. And he increasingly became frustrated. Now, imagine trying to fit Ryan in a public school and the educational box that is used to place every student? Hmm, well, you know how they went. Ryan has never lived inside of the box. Not in school, not in friendships, not in all of the activities he has ever been involved in. His brain doesn’t allow it. So, how does he become successful in a world that many times if not always continues to try and force him inside it? Imagine the frustration, the anger, the hurt, the guilt, the continued message of “You aren’t good enough.” “You aren’t smart enough.” “You aren’t_________, you aren’t_________, you aren’t____(fill in the blank).

When you are placed inside the box and able to live inside the box, everything is planned out for you. In school, you’re taught how to spell, how to write, how to learn math in a model way of learning. It’s relatively easy for a typical learner to learn how to succeed. Same goes for social norms. Inside the box, friendships are easy to make and maintain. But if you don’t fit inside the box, you get tossed just like Ryan tossed those star shapes away.

We learned early on that Ryan wasn’t going to fit inside the box. It came as a big surprise at the time, and brought disappointment and sadness, not just for him but for me. With the onset of testing him for ADHD, learning and auditory disabilities, it was like a big slap in the face. And then the realization that Ryan would never be able to learn like typical children was very difficult to digest. But with time, and acceptance and then embracing it all, I have been able to realize that living outside of the box is a blessing. A nontypical blessing, but a blessing nonetheless.

Living outside of the box makes for a difficult life. At the same time, it is a wondrous life. Because you see the world so differently, you develop the ability to discover brilliantly unique ways to learn and discover. This is how we explained to Ryan how his brain was different from everyone elses. And he has been learning and leaving outside of the box and beside the box.

How does someone who is neurodivergent live outside and beside the box successfully? Early testing, diagnosis and intervention. Knocking down doors, not giving up, self advocacy, parent advocacy. Never giving up, always on it, consistency. Finding the right school. Therapy, medication, tutors. Resiliency, patience, honesty, Love, patience, hope, faith,

I’ve seen time and time again, how Ryan uses his outside of the box thinking to manage his life. I think that he is so used to things not working “normally” that his ability to think about other ways of accomplishing something has just become a normal everyday occurrence. I’ve had numerous conversations with him about a challenge – whether it’s as difficult as managing a busy summer schedule, studying for finals, or as simple as getting together with a friend. If he says “No, it’s not going to work”, then I just ask him to think of other ways that are options. He always rises to that challenge, many times coming up with an idea that I never would have thought of myself.

For Ryan, life will always be a challenge in a world of boxes that he doesn’t fit in. But I think that the world outside of the box is so much more interesting. Afterall, who wants to live inside a box like everyone else? It can be awfully boring staring at those four walls day after day…. Come to think of it – why don’t we just blow up the box? Who created that box anyways? We are all unique and I challenge you to be you in all of your glory. Make a change and get rid of the way we pigeonhole each other. Yeehaw, let’s go!

“Drag your thoughts away from your troubles – by the ears, by the heels, or any other way, so you can manage it; it’s the healthiest thing a body can do.” 

–The American Claimant

Mark Twain