“I’m not overreacting!”

“I am not overreacting!”

I’m “chuckling” as I sit on my bed, sick from COVID and wondering how did this happen? I’m on vacation in another country. Stuck in a room with my daughter. Can’t go out. This is ridiculous I think out loud. I start to cry, which I don’t want to do. I feel like a child ready to have a full tantrum. I feel like I’m losing my mind and control. I’m angry, I’m frustrated. Am I overreacting? Well I would be if I didn’t talk myself off the ledge, or take a pause and breathe. In a week that has been so challenging physically and emotionally, I thought I would talk about emotional dysregulation again. Maybe you’ll get a kick out of it. Maybe you’ll say – oh she finally sees that in herself. Or maybe you’ll realize that you may have similar challenges.

Emotional dysregulation. I’ve written about it before. Specifically as it relates to Ryan. But what happens when there is more than one person in the house who struggles with this problem? What happens when the other person really doesn’t realize that they have it too until they’re sixty years old? Well, that person is me!

As a refresher, emotional dysregulation is very common in people who have ADHD. The prefrontal cortex (specifically the amygdala which handles emotional reaction and decision making) has a problem with activation in ADHD brains, which could explain the difficulty in managing emotions, frustration and anger.

I have always known that I am a bit of a drama queen. I have always struggled with keeping my emotions in check. I have tended to over react. I cry more easily than most people. I get upset more easily than most people.. I get frustrated more easily than most people. At least according to my family and friends. Even when I was little, my siblings would often tell me to stop crying, or ask me why I’m crying, or tell me that I cry too much.. Well, I honestly couldn’t help it. But this is all I have ever known. I’ve just lived with that little monster and tried to not poke it. But through researching and writing this blog and book, and taking the ADHD coaching courses, I’ve discovered that I too, like Ryan, have emotional dysregulation.

This, I realize now, has caused more trouble in our house. When you have two people who struggle getting a grip on their emotions, life becomes even more difficult when you’re trying to manage life at home. Ryan yells, I yell. Ryan gets frustrated, I get frustrated. I cry, Ryan gets upset that I’m crying. Ryan loses something, he freaks out. I lose something, I freak out. (And for your information, we both lose things quite frequently)

Naming the over reaction and the emotional dysregulation helps me. It gives me a reason why I am the way I am. It doesn’t give me an excuse though. It just really helps me process who I am and to help my friends and family realize my struggles. I can now try to find tools, just like Ryan, to help me manage myself better. Being aware of my overreacting, ridiculous dramatic responses, frustration and anger, allows me to take a breath, and pause a second before I open my big fat mouth. It will help me to ask myself, “How do I want to act? Is this situation really as bad as you think it is? Are you sure you want to make a big deal out of this? Is it really that important?” On the other hand, I am still trying to figure out a way to get a handle on the crying bit. I used to be able to chalk that up to adolescence, hormonal fluctuations around “that time of the month” and pregnancy. Hmmm, I can’t do that anymore! So I’ve just accepted the fact that I’m just a cryer! Bothersome, not just for those around me, but me as well. It can be quite embarrassing and exhausting. I don’t like it. You know, I don’t hate myself and I’m trying to not be too hard on myself either. Self compassion and forgiveness is important, and putting things in their proper perspective is equally important.

As I write this, I want to take a moment and apologize to those I have offended with my over the top emotionality. It’s amazing to me that at sixty years old, I am still learning about myself and that I still have work to do. Change can be more difficult the older one gets – just like a dog. But I do strive to become a better human being, a friend, a wife, a mother. I’m still that “work in progress”.

And a note to Ryan – I feel your pain. Although it’s not the same, as we are unique individuals, I understand you better. It makes for a challenging relationship. As well I think I know who you are, I am learning to look at myself in the mirror and discover new things about myself and realize that we can work on things together.

“Any emotion, if it is sincere is involuntary”  –  Mark Twain    

“We don’t choose our emotions. People need to remember that about those of us who feel a lot.” – my daughter