How much we do for our kids.

How much do you do for your kids? As parents we do everything for them when they’re babies. As they grow we hope we do less, and that they do more. The whole idea here is to get them to a place where they can fly away from us and take care of themselves in every aspect of their lives. In a perfect world, this should happen. But for those of us who have neurodiverse children, this scenario may either never happen, or an independent life for our children become somewhat of a sliding scale; some things they can do on their own and some things they need help with Chances are, there will be some things that you will always have to do for your child even when they are adults or at least help them navigate their world and help them when things go sideways.

I could talk about helicopter parenting that seems to be pervasive in society today, and the outcomes of that which we all see on a daily basis. That is not what this is about. It’s about the difficulties of knowing how much to do for those of us who have neurodiverse children. We cannot put them in the same category of typical kids even though at times we try and want to do so.

Knowing how much to do for our LD kids is a constant struggle. We want them to be successful and we want them to be able to be as independent as possible. We don’t want them to fail. We don’t want them to be discouraged. We want them to learn. We want them to do things for themselves. We want to make the right choices for them. We want them to make the right choices. We want them to figure things out for themselves. We don’t think that they can figure things out for themselves. We want to take care of them. We want them to take care of themselves. See what I did there? The push and pull of the opposite statements.

EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY DAY I go through many of the above statements. It is a constant nag in the back of my mind. And the big question of every day is: Will I get a phone call today from Ryan with a problem that I need to take care of? Everyday that I don’t get a call is a win for him and a win for me.

When Ryan was in elementary school, his dad and I worked hard at figuring out what his difficulties were so that we could work on them, hoping that by the time he was in middle school, Ryan would have the tools he needed to be successful. The same would occur in middle school to get Ryan ready and prepared for high school. The problems were different and greater but the process was the same.

In elementary school, it was all about setting up a system for getting himself ready for school. He still needed help getting dressed. He still needed help tying his shoes. He needed a system to get his backpack ready for school. We set up a system that we followed fairly religiously so that our mornings would run smoothly. This would help prevent meltdowns in the morning. Ryan always knew what every morning would be like. We made sure every evening before bed that his homework was in his backpack and that it was placed near the door. I had many conversations with other parents of neurodiverse kids about what they did or did not do for their kids. Many were appalled at how much I did for Ryan. I asked them what their mornings were like. They always answered how crazy they were and how difficult it was to get their kids to school on time. These poor kids. Mornings for kids with ADHD without their medication on board yet is crazy. Why would you put yourself or your child through that?

By the time Ryan was in middle school and high school I was still doing quite a bit for him. Making sure that he took his meds. Making sure he had his homework complete and in his backpack. At times I would back away from helping him with some things, to see if he would be able to manage more, and then have to go back to helping when things fell apart. Children who are typical can learn from their mistakes and make the changes necessary to be successful. But if you have ADHD and executive function issues, it may take much longer to learn how to keep things organized and not forget to put things in their backpacks, or keep their backpacks neat and turn assignments. It takes patience and diligence.

I’ve been asked by friends with neurotypical kids why I did and do so much for Ryan. I explained why so many times. They would also ask if I wasn’t exhausted from doing so much for him? They would tell me that he wouldn’t learn if I continued to help him. Again – explaining – Ryan is not neurotypical. His brain doesn’t function like your kids brains do. His issues with executive functioning prevents him from being organized and his working memory prevents him from remembering many important things . Yes, it was exhausting. Still is. But working with Ryan on all of the skills needed for him to be successful is paying off

Now that I am not with Ryan every day, now that he is living away at college, he is responsible for everything. He is part of a program at his school that continues to help him navigate his executive function issues. He meets with his coach two days a week. He has access to tutors and professors. He is now solely responsible for taking his meds, going to his classes, turning in assignments, making appointments and getting enough sleep. Has he forgotten to turn things in? Yes. Has he procrastinated so much that he hasn’t been able to make things up? Yes. Has he failed at times? Yes. Is he learning how to manage things better? Yes. Is he making progress? Yes. Does he want to quit? No. As he finds tools with the help of others to help him be successful, and as his brain matures, I am doing less for him and he is doing more for himself.

Do I still want to do things for Ryan? No. Do I? Yes. But now I try to work things through with Ryan, helping him to figure out how to do it on his own. If it’s not possible after we discuss things, then I’ll do it. Do I still do more for him than the typical kid? Of course. How long will I be doing things for Ryan? I don’t know. But I try to give up things little by little.

What is the bottom line here? If you have a child with ADHD and LD, don’t think for an instant that your child should be able to do things on their own just because they’re a certain chronological age. And don’t feel like a failure if they don’t. And don’t look at your other kids or other people’s kids who are neurotypical and wish your kid was like them. Learn how to embrace your life. It’s going to be topsy turvy for a long, long time. You will question yourself all along the way whether or not you’re doing too much or not enough. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your parenting. You’re doing the best you can do.

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.” -Mark Twain