How many subjects can you cover in 5 minutes?

Recently I was having lunch with my family, including Ryan, his dad, sister and my mother- in- law. Picture it: We are all sitting at a table, setting it up with napkins, drinks and the order number stand. As we sit down, we all start talking to each other in a how are you, catching up sort of conversation. There are small conversations between one or two people, sometimes three people and sometimes all five of us. You know the kind I mean. Everyone is just settling in making small talk. Then things begin to shift and more serious subjects arise, which typically involves all five diners. Our party has now evolved to this mode of conversation.

Here is what is happening in our group. Ryan brings up a subject and we start to talk about it. In the middle of the conversation, he switches to another topic. Before we finish that conversation, he brings something else up. And then something else. And then something else in rapid fire My daughter leans over to me and says in a quiet voice, “How many topics can you cover in five minutes?” We both lost it at this point and started laughing, which of course got a funny look from everyone else. As we shared our side “joke”, we all started laughing, including Ryan. Ryan of course could have taken offense to this. Instead, he was able to laugh about it himself. He was in a good place that day. Another day, it may have bothered him. We assured him that we weren’t laughing at him per se. It’s just another quirk that is common in people who have ADHD.

So often, the ADHD brain just has a jumble of ideas and thoughts that makes it difficult to just focus on one. As soon as one idea is out of the mouth, then interest is quickly lost, and it’s time to move on to the next one. No fault of the person who has this going on. If you have ADHD and experience this, you know what it’s like. I understand this well, as my brain too seems to be on steroids like Ryan’s. In order to make it stop, the mouth just keeps on “vomiting” everything out.

Often, the ADHD brain will just automatically move on to something else, many times before the other people present have time to speak, answer or even acknowledge. This is tough on the ADHDer as well as the neurotypical who is often held captive by the entire process . It can be frustrating for both people in a situation like this. I mean really, who wants to be friends with someone who has flight of ideas, doesn’t seem to listen or care, and just ends up taking over the conversation? And who wants to be friends with someone who won’t be patient enough to just allow you to “get it all out”? You might love each other and care deeply, but how do you tolerate each other? Well, I can think of a few things that might help manage your relationship when this happens. And trust me, it will happen, and it may even happen a lot. No, it WILL happen a lot.

For the ADHDer:

1. Be cognizant of your thoughts before you meet with someone.

2. Share with your friend/family member after you greet them, that you have so much to say and that you will try to stay on topic

3. Ask your friend/family member to be patient with you

4. Ask for help. Ask for the friend/family member to remind you kindly to slow down and even help you to stay with the one topic before switching to the next.

5. Before you meet, write out the topics you want to talk about so you won’t have your brain yelling at you about another topic, and then before you know it, you spew that out before you’re done with the present topic. This way you won’t forget about the topic because it’s written down.

For the neurotypical:

1. Be patient

2. Kindly ask, “Can we stay on this other subject for a few minutes before we move on to the next? I have more to say.”

3. Accept the unique brain wiring of your ADHD friend/family member and their brain is a fast moving machine.

4. Ask kindly to slow down just a little bit so you can keep up.

5. Ask what you can do to help them with the topic at hand.

6. Marble at the ADHDers ability

7. Be kind and think about what you say before you say it. Remember that your ADHD loved one simply cannot help themselves. Saying something hurtful will not go over well.

8. Listen, listen, listen.

Another word about the word marvel. It is simply amazing to be in the presence of an ADHD brain. What goes on in that brain is just too complicated to understand, unless you have one yourself. I have heard more than one person ask Ryan what is going on inside his brain. His answer is always, “You don’t want to know.” Just imagine all of those neurons firing off at rapid speed, and then things tumbling out of his mouth, sometimes almost unintelligible because his brain is working faster than his mouth. It’s exhausting for us. But I think it’s more exhausting for him.

“There is nothing so annoying as having two people talking when you’re busy interrupting.”     –  Mark Twain