How do you get your ADHD child to do what you want them to do?

1. Use mind games.

2. Bribery

3. Act like they’re hurting your feelings. (See #1)

4. Use carrots. (See #2)

5. Punishment if they don’t

6. Act angry (See #1)

7. Promise them a reward. (Again see #2)

8. Make all decisions for them. Also known as helicoptering.

9. Pile on guilt (Again see #1)

10. You can’t, so you give up.

11. Although you can just wash, rinse and repeat numbers 1 and 2.

12. Pray to whatever higher being you believe in,

13. Good, calm communication.

A conversation with Ryan goes something like this:

Ryan: “I’m tired and have a headache today, so I’m not going to: Go to class/go to the gym/go to study hour etc.

Me: “Have you taken Tylenol?”

Ryan: “No.”

Me: “Don’t you think you can take some Tylenol and then go to … (name the activity)?”

Ryan: (Sigh) “ Mom, I’ve got this. Why did I even tell you?”

Me: “Well, if you tell me something, I’m going to respond and tell you what I think you should do. (Meaning: What I want him to do). So maybe you’re right. There are some things maybe you shouldn’t tell me. However, missing a class or study hour will just put you behind. Do you really want to do that? “ (And at this point I might even go further and make other points and give more advice and tell Ryan what he should do, until there’s some kind of further verbal explosion on the other end of the line.

Whether your kid is neurodivergent or not, most parents have had similar conversations like the above. And although the above example is not much of a game changer in life, they can add up. And how many of us have a really hard time backing off our children, and learning how to allow them to make decisions that we “believe” aren’t the best?

It’s an extremely fine line with a neurodivergent child when you want them to do what you want them to do because you know best vs. allowing them to make their own decisions. When they’re younger and they live completely under your thumb, you have the responsibility to have them do everything you want them to do. Still extraordinarily difficult. And you’ll need to work on skills with your special kid to manage home and school life. But as your child grows, becomes a teenager, and wants to and needs to start making decisions on their own, it becomes a real power struggle. And neurodivergent kids have more difficulty in making the best decisions because they don’t have all of the tools in their brain. Many times they just don’t have the ability to see the bigger picture or the ability to organize all of the numerous pros and cons that are needed to make the most “educated” decision.

As parents, we see things so much clearly and often know what’s best, so we work really hard at getting our neurodivergent kid to do what we want them to do. Guaranteed, you will use all the techniques listed at the top, if you have a child with ADHD. And take it from someone who knows, I’ve used them all, and none of them work in the long run except number 12. (Although I also recommend number 11 for your own peace of mind). To start, you have to take off your mommy or daddy hat, and put on the adult hat. Telling doesn’t work. Pleading doesn’t work. Guilt doesn’t work. Arguing doesn’t work. Yelling certainly doesn’t work. So what can work?

Having a sit down, adult to adult, (or teenager) respectful conversation is a great way to begin. (I’m preaching to myself here by the way. I easily slip back into the parent- you need to do as I say role) Talk about the issue. Allow your child to speak their mind, and say what they want. Ask them what the pros and cons are of the decision they want to make. And then explain the same from your point of view. Obviously if it’s a dangerous decision and they’re still living under your roof and/or you financially support them, you still have the final say. But that can even be communicated respectfully. These conversations again are difficult for neurotypicals, but are much more difficult for the non neurotypical. For Ryan, his brain works differently and he can’t always process all the nuances of a decision. This takes extra care on our part to communicate as clearly as possible and to give Ryan time to think through everything. Sometimes it takes a few minutes for him to come to a conclusion, and sometimes it can take up to a week or two for him to work his way through everything and come up with a decision. The point here is to be patient. I’ve learned that pushing him has a deleterious effect. I continue to work on allowing him to make decisions without jumping in and trying to save the day at every turn.

Eventually, I will have to give up working on getting Ryan to do what I want him to do. I’ll need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I’ll need to learn to ask him if I can give him advice. Hmmm, maybe I’ll get there when he’s 30, 40 or 50……..I’m working on it.

“You can’t depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus.” -Mark Twain