Family Matters

“Moooommmmm!!! I need you right now! Where are you? I need your help!” “Moooommmmm!!!” I’m with my daughter and hear Ryan yelling for me. My daughter looks at me and rolls her eyes. I’m trying to spend a little bit of time with her. My husband is also in the other room. But can Ryan ask him for help? No. He has to have me. “Ryan, I call back, can you please have your dad help you? I’m with your sister.” “No!” he yells. I call for my husband, “Can you please deal with him?” “Sure,” he says. At this, Ryan throws a bit of a fit.

It was LOUD in my house when Ryan was growing up. Lots of yelling, lots of pleading, lots of crying. Not just him, but all of us.

LIving in a family with a child with ADHD and LD can be a challenge, with incredible highs and soul wrenching lows.

If you let it, a home with a child with ADHD and LD can be all consuming. To the point of neglecting a spouse, another child or yourself. All of this happened in our family. There were times when weeks would pass without realizing it. At times, the communication in the house was only focused on getting through another day. Exhaustion would set in,

It’s so very easy to forget about others in the house: Your other children, your spouse, yourself. If you don’t figure out a way to find balance, soon enough, the family can and will fall apart.

The divorce rate is higher in families with special needs children. This includes those with learning differences. Often, parents are on different wavelengths in how to manage their children, and sometimes one parent refuses to accept that their child is different. Your other children feel like they don’t matter and start acting out to get attention, or they may just shut down. How does a family manage it? How can there be balance? How can you help your other children feel like they matter? And how do you hold together a marriage?

Our family dynamic has not always been healthy. Even today, with Ryan off to college and our adult daughter doing her thing out there in the world, when we get together, it can still be a difficult dance. We’ve been through some very dark times, but with a lot of work, we have been able to use tools to make our family work as best as it can.

Family, as well as individual therapy has helped a great deal. It’s a safe place to get all of the feelings and anguish out. A good therapist can help you learn more effective communication skills, and learn how to use better choice in words and tone. Learning how to be calm in a storm and being able to take a breath before speaking whatever is on your mind is one of the most important skills to learn. (We are experts in snarkiness in our family – so this is something that we constantly work on!)

Becoming a good listener is also key. Not only being a good listener to the child with LD, but also to your other children, who truly often take a backseat and many times are forgotten. Listening to your spouse, and being more aware of their needs is vital if you want your marriage to last. And of course, you also need to listen to yourself.

Work on spending special time with your other children away from your LD child. Encourage them to talk about what is bothering them, Figure out what their needs are and what will help them manage their own special role in the family.

Go on date nights with your spouse. Don’t forget that without them, you would not have your special child. If you can, try to get away for a few nights without your children. If you have grandparents or special friends who can stay with your children, do that! Or, if you aren’t able to spend time away, then have your children spend the night with those grandparents and have a stay at home vacation for a night or two. My husband and I were able to take small vacations, 2 day weekends, and sometimes just a night at home alone. It was a wonderful time just to reconnect.

Finally, take care of yourself. I know that I need respite. Even an hour or two at a local coffee shop with my book can give me a much needed break. And, don’t forget about your physical health. Years can go by in a blink of an eye, and all of a sudden you realize you haven’t seen a doctor or the dentist in who knows how long!

Even through all of the difficult times our family has gone through, I wouldn’t change it. It’s made us who we are. We are able to manage any storm, although sometimes with mental bumps and bruises. It still takes a lot of work. We still break down and cry sometimes, we still feel loss sometimes, but we are resilient and we love each other unconditionally.

Family

Family, singing in the kitchen

Family, running through the yard

Family, going on vacation

Family, on the credit card

Family, all in this together

Family, we’re taking a chance

Family, like birds of a feather

Family, kick off your shoes and dance

Family, on the way to the city

Family, laughing in the rain

Family, it ain’t always pretty

Family, can drive you insane

Family, got the keys to the kingdom

Family, take it a la carte

Family, all four seasons

Family, well bless your heart

You don’t choose em, you can’t lose em

We all have a song to sing

Some are crazy, some are amazing

All got a little bit of everything

Family, sons and daughters

Family, like a photograph

Family, baptized in the water

Family, put me on the map

Family, all in this together

Family, we’re taking a chance

Family, like birds of a feather

Family, kick off your shoes and dance

Your shoes and dance

Kick off your shoes and dance

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Drew Holcomb