Emotional Dysregulation

This week’s post is about an issue that many people with ADHD face, including our family. It’s quite personal and serious. But it’s important for me to share in the hopes that others who are going through a similar experience will see that they are not alone and that there is help for them. ( ***This post has been pre approved by Ryan.)

“AAAAAAAAAAAAA”, screams Ryan. “Where is it? I can’t find it. Where did it go?”

I hear things being thrown. I hear yelling, screaming.

“What are you looking for, Ryan?” I ask.

“None of your business, leave me alone!” he yells back.

“Could you please lower your voice and stop yelling?”

“No!”

“Can I help?”

“Noooooo!”

Sigh. This has been the way Ryan has been almost his entire life. Small things can become a long and painful temper tantrum. We never knew then, now, when, how or what would set him off. Sometimes things like being tired, hungry, or frustrated feelings about other things can make these outbursts worse. One thing for sure, it’s exhausting trying to figure out why it happens. It’s an ongoing issue, And the older he’s gotten, the outbursts have been more damaging.

This problem that I’ve described above is called emotional dysregulation. And it is very common in people who have ADHD. The prefrontal cortex (specifically the amygdala which handles emotional reaction and decision making) has a problem with activation in ADHD brains, which could explain the difficulty in managing emotions, frustration and anger. As you read this, you may live with someone who has a “short” fuse, or be this way yourself. Are you or someone you know over emotional, or get overly upset about something that really is minor? I know that I have a tendency to be this way. (I know if my siblings are reading this, they’re saying”Yep!, that’s Melissa!”)

I know it’s frustrating for Ryan when he finds himself in one of these uncontrollable outbursts. When it’s all over, he feels horrible about it. And for the rest of us who are there being a part of the outbursts, we find it frustrating as well. We don’t understand why he goes through it, we want him to stop and we want him to control himself. Well, if only it were that easy.

This is a trait that will last for life. The damage that can be done is greater the older one gets. So what can be done? For one thing, it can’t be helped without professional help. All the pleading, talking, positive reinforcement, rewards, punishment, etc. may work in the short run but not in the long run. Sweeping it under the rug doesn’t work. And it can be horribly embarrassing when the outbursts happen in public or at a friend’s or family’s home. It’s even difficult to admit to yourself that you alone can’t handle it, and the guilt that you can’t handle it is painful too.

I hope that by “putting this out there”, that others who read this can gain a clearer understanding of what life is like with someone who has ADHD. And I hope that if you read this and live with someone who has ADHD and shows the signs of emotional dysregulation, that you aren’t alone, and that you can and should bring this to your child’s doctor’s attention. Working with behaviorists and psychologists is an invaluable tool. They will help give you and your child tools to help manage the behavior and help make life better. And try to remember that it’s a brain thing, not a naughty out of control child. You will need to be patient. Some tools will work, and others won’t. Some tools may work for a while, and then they won’t. Being consistent is important, but at times very difficult to maintain. The entire family may need to be in therapy together to work through how to manage things best. And remember your ADHD child is just as bothered and confused about their outbursts as you are. Be loving, kind and patient to your child and yourself. Find the help you need, and then face each day anew.

“Honesty: the best of all the lost arts.”

Mark Twain