Disclosure

Who do you tell your secrets, problems, hopes and dreams to? Your husband/wife, partner, best friend, family members/friends, coworkers? And how much do you share? Everything? Just bits and pieces? Just enough so that the other person has a share in your relationship? And how much do you hide- out of fear of rejection, shame, misunderstanding or fear of reprisal? We are all faced daily with these decisions to disclose parts of our lives. Some of us want to share it all and some of us don’t want to share anything.

When you have a child who has learning differences, you get this extra dose of what and how much to share. I know this. Initially it’s almost a feeling of fight or flight. Flight first- like when you get into a small fender bender and the other car owner isn’t there. The first feeling is “I gotta get out of here!” And then the feeling of no, I have to face it, (the fight) comes after. So in the sharing department, it’s “I don’t want anyone to know that my child has problems’!” Shame, hiding, and the need to feel that your child is OK and normal. Hey, if we don’t tell anyone, then no one will ever know, and life will be just great. Well this decision was pretty much taken out of our hands. It was obvious to anyone who spent time with Ryan, that there was something going on. So we had to tell. But how much and at what cost?

Telling some people can backfire. The information can be used as rumors, or to share the information with others that you don’t want to know. And it can be used against you and your child. I’ve learned this first hand. I’ve learned that there are some adults who are still in middle or high school and can’t help but use information to hurt others and make themselves feel better. On a whole, my husband and I have been fairly open about Ryan. I say fairly, not completely. There are still things that we keep close to the vest. Although some of those things have come out in this blog and in the writing of the book. And there’s other loved ones to protect like our daughter. My rule of thumb has been if it helps others to understand who Ryan is and what our family is going through, or if it can help others who are dealing with similar children, then I share. If it’s going to cause harm in some way, then I don’t.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s nobody’s business, unless you want to share. But, if you don’t talk to someone about it, or don’t share your struggles or your child’s issues, that can be even worse. There are some things that can only be hidden for so long. And the stress of holding and hiding it all will wear on you and the rest of your family. And chances are, someone is going to ask you what’s going on anyways.

You might also find that you and the other parent of your child have different ideas on what to share and what not to share. I’m much more open about sharing personal information than my husband, who is much more private. It’s important to communicate what the expectations are between the two of you. Try to be on the same page. And if you are completely opposite in your ideas of what to share, then maybe you should talk it out with a therapist.

Sometimes talking about Ryan has been exhausting. Sometimes it’s been cathartic. I’ve cried in my friend’s arms. I’ve babbled on and on and on just to get everything out whatt I’m feeling. . I’m grateful and thankful for those friends in my life that I can share just about anything with. They don’t always understand what I’m going through, but they listen and question and are willing to listen and learn about Ryan and our family life.

A big part of the reason that I’m writing a book and writing this blog is to share with as many people as possible what raising Ryan has been like and about. I do want to help others navigate their life with information. I want them to know that they are not alone. I want them to know that there is someone who can help them. I want them to know that it can feel lonely and frustrating and just plain awful. And I want them to know that there is hope. I want there to be as full disclosure as possible in the writing of this blog and the book. Because honesty and putting it all out there is the only way to show true reality. It’s hard. Sometimes I want to sugar coat it. But I won’t Oh, and Ryan is all in on this as well. I wouldn’t be doing this without his blessing. He’s a pretty incredible son, with all of his beautiful differences.

And for a fun quote which could have been written by either Ryan or my husband…..

“My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.”

Mark Twain