Bullying

This is a repeat. I feel that it’s very important to continue to bring this subject to light as bullying is such a very real issue, especially for people who have invisible differences.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” We heard this a lot when we were growing up. I think I may have even used it against my own tormentors. The truth is – it’s just not true is it? Maybe some people can let things roll off their backs, but most can’t, and what about those with learning differences? Especially those children who have had to deal with bullying from a very early age.

When I was growing up, what we called teasing then, is bullying now. It seems that a generation ago that this teasing was something we all had to deal with and were told that it’s just a part of growing up, that we needed to develop a thick skin and not be so sensitive. And those of us who didn’t deal well with it were told to grow up and stop being such a baby. And we were told that people could only hurt us if we let them. How many of us have held on to past hurts due to this “teasing” and the pain has lasted in to our adulthoods?

Now, think about those children who are not typical? What if you’re unable to process the “teasing” well and become so downtrodden by others making fun of your inabilities and differences? When does teasing become bullying? Maybe when teasing becomes unwanted? Or when the recipient is unable to tell the difference? We have maybe become a too sensitive society. So many things have become “unpolitically correct” that sometimes we’re afraid to open our mouths about anything. But let me be clear here – I’m not talking about the typical child, I’m talking about the the non typical one. The ones like Ryan who are a walking and talking target.

For Ryan, it started early. First grade. Remember when I wrote about him biting the boy and he had to go to the office? Well – that same boy saw that he could push Ryan’s buttons and make him do something that would get him in trouble. The boy went as far as setting up a scenario and then lying completely about what happened. On the playground Ryan was playing with this boy and another friend. The boy for no reason kicked Ryan in his privates. Ryan then pushed him. The boy ran screaming to the yard duty and told her that Ryan had kicked him in the nuts. Major fallout ensued. It came down to this boy’s word against Ryan’s, telling everyone that Ryan kicked him and pushed him down. Ryan was inconsolable and kept telling us he didn’t kick him, that the boy had kicked him instead. But because Ryan had other behavior problems, no one believed him, except his dad and I. (Ryan had no idea what the word “balls” meant either) This was just the beginning of the terrorizing from this boy. There were other children who were present, but nobody came to either boy’s defense. We found out later, that this boy was adept at creating fear among other kids. We had to endure a full year of continued bullying, mainly name calling and laughing at Ryan by this boy. Finally, this boy found a new victim to torture, and it was realized a little too late that Ryan was not the instigator. Other parents came to me and said, oh I guess Ryan was telling the truth. (You think???) To this day, we mention his boy’s name and Ryan shudders.

This was the beginning of many years of bullying. Mainly it was kids just laughing at him or saying things like, “Come on Ryan, spit it out!” when Ryan struggled to get his words out. We left this public school after 3rd grade and enrolled Ryan in Westmark School, a private school for children with language based learning differences. We hoped that this would be a wonderful, accepting and safe place for Ryan to learn and enjoy school. It was, but we still encountered bullying. Yes, every school has bullies, but we didn’t think that there would be a problem. The one positive thing about Westmark, is that they took bullying more seriously and knew that most of the kids coming to Westmark had been bullied at their other schools. But- because almost all of these kids had been bullied themselves, there became a new pecking order. Many of them turned to bullying themselves in order to make themselves feel better.

In seventh grade, Ryan went to a school sleep away science camp. A boy thought it would be funny if someone pulled Ryan’s pants down while they were all waiting in line for dinner. Well – that didn’t go over well. Ryan’s pants got pulled down and Ryan turned and pushed the boy down. Ryan, along with the boy who did it got suspended. (No toleration policy – I know, right? Not allowed to defend himself!) This opened a huge can of worms. (Side note – the boy who had the other boy pull down Ryan’s pants was expelled from Westmark after finding out from other students that he had been bullying a lot of kids)

Ryan sometimes would come home from school in a really bad mood, or just defiant. It took us a long time to figure out why. Through behavioral therapy it was discovered that he was upset about things that had happened during the day at school with his classmates and friends. It took him time to process what had happened before he could tell his dad or me. We would have to let him decompress and then we could ask him if something was wrong or if something had happened at school. When he could finally put it in to words, he would just cry and cry. It would just kill me.

Bullying continued through high school. Mainly by things kids would say, like “you’re stupid, because you don’t take AP classes.” (Really!) Or by kids making noises behind Ryan during class to push his buttons so he would explode verbally in class to tell them to stop it. Stupid stuff like that. But what it was doing was scraping away a little bit more and more of Ryan’s psyche. To the point that Ryan would always feel that someone was talking about him behind his back, or laughing at him. In reality it wasn’t true, but it was his perception.

It has left irreparable harm. Even with therapy and talking about it, and encouraging him, Ryan has been left with a sensitive soul. He wounds easily even when the other person is joking. On the positive side, he is truly a champion for others and will stand up to anyone who treats others badly. His compassion is heartwarming. If you happen to be his friend, his loyalty is without measure.

So what can the rest of us do? Like Ryan, be compassionate. Talk to them about what bullying does, especially to those who have special needs. Encourage your children to stand up to those who bully and be a support to those who are bullied. Help children be able to tell an adult when there is bullying. As an adult, be aware that even though schools have anti-bullying policies, it still happens. We see it in the news. Kids are committing suicide because of it, kids are dying because of physical violence against them. And sadly, some kids have committed school shootings because of the horrible bullying that happened to them, and they just can’t cope any more. Please help your own child get the help they need. Listen to them, watch them, love them.